Since becoming active online, I’ve noticed a recurring criticism from some Black women: that Black men are not romantic or emotionally expressive. This is often cited as a reason why they choose to date white men. One YouTuber, for example, praised her white boyfriend for going all out on her birthday—taking her to a Beyoncé concert, booking a massage, treating her to a fancy steakhouse, and gifting her a designer purse, all after just one month of dating. Stories like these often go viral, leading many Black women to express admiration for how white men treat them in relationships.

However, what’s rarely discussed is the other side: when white men have negative experiences with Black women. A striking example is a white TikTok user, Steven Menendian, who recently went viral after revealing his girlfriend, a Black woman, had been cheating on him and physically assaulting him. In multiple videos, Steven documents verbal and physical abuse, including her hitting him in the head, spitting on him, and openly admitting to hitting him in the face. She also regularly asked for money—for gas and weed—and reacted violently when confronted about her behavior or infidelity.

Despite being the victim, Steven was met with unexpected sympathy—not just from allies, but specifically from Black women in the comments. Many of them expressed regret that he had such a bad experience and tried to reassure him that “not all Black women are like this.” Some even expressed romantic interest, seeing him as a good man who deserved better. One comment read, “You’re not a simp, you’re a man with integrity. Women don’t know what they have until it’s gone.” Another added, “She ruined an opportunity of a lifetime.”

In response to the attention, Steven shared a video promoting his book, Structural Racism: The Dynamics of Opportunity and Race in America, which he spent 15 years writing. Some viewers, however, felt he was using the situation not only to promote his book but also to subtly excuse his girlfriend’s abusive behavior by implying it was rooted in systemic inequality. The narrator of the video pushes back against this, arguing that while structural racism is real, it cannot justify domestic violence or toxic behavior. As he puts it, “Black people have always faced structural racism, but that doesn’t give anyone the right to be abusive.”

The commentary also questions Steven’s choice in partners. He appears to be a well-educated man, possibly affiliated with UC Berkeley, living in the Bay Area. So why, the video asks, would he settle for someone who was clearly unstable, financially dependent, and disrespectful—especially when there are successful, emotionally stable Black women he could date instead?

The broader message is this: Dating outside your race doesn’t automatically mean better treatment or healthier relationships. Behavior and compatibility still matter. For Black women who date white men, it’s important to recognize that you’re not just representing yourself—you may unintentionally shape that partner’s perception of the entire community. Likewise, anyone dating outside their cultural or racial group should be prepared to add value, not bring dysfunction.

Ultimately, no race, gender, or group has a monopoly on good or bad behavior. The goal should be building relationships based on respect, accountability, and shared values, regardless of race.