Joe Biden opened his eyes to the sound of rattling chains and the smell of mead gone bad. He blinked, trying to remember how he got here. One moment he was giving a speech about clean energy, and the next—boom—he was in a cold, stone cell somewhere that definitely wasn’t Delaware.

Across the cell sat a burly Nord with a beard big enough to hide a mammoth. “You’re finally awake,” the man said.

“Where… where am I?” Biden asked, rubbing his temples.

“Skyrim,” the Nord replied. “Caught crossing the border, same as us. Guess you’re with the Stormcloaks now.”

Before Joe could ask what a Stormcloak was, a guard in iron armor opened the door and barked, “You! Old man! Time for your interrogation!”

“Look, pal, I don’t want any trouble,” Joe said, standing up slowly. “Can we talk about infrastructure instead?”

The guard didn’t answer. He just shoved Joe into the hallway. The next thing Biden knew, he was in a dim dungeon surrounded by rough-looking bandits.

“Who’s the new guy?” one sneered. “Some kind of wizard?”

“I’m the President,” Joe said confidently.

The bandits laughed so hard they dropped their mead mugs. “President of what? Solitude? Whiterun?”

“Uh… the United States?” Joe offered.

That didn’t help. One of them—a massive orc named Grom—grabbed him by the collar. “Never heard of it. Sounds fake.”

Joe tried to summon Secret Service backup, but his only magic power was mild confusion. The orc pushed him to the ground. “Welcome to Skyrim, ‘President,’” Grom growled.

After a brief but spectacularly one-sided brawl, Joe was left with bruised ribs and a newfound respect for medieval plumbing—or lack thereof.

Later, a passing thief named Lydia helped him up. “You fight terribly,” she said.

“I’m working on it,” Joe muttered. “Maybe I’ll put some points into stamina next level.”

By morning, Joe had decided. He wasn’t going to let Skyrim beat him. He was going to learn swordsmanship, master magic, and—if time allowed—maybe give a speech about renewable dragon energy.

Because if there’s one thing tougher than Skyrim’s jails, it’s a determined Joe Biden with a quest log.