Welcome to your favorite news source — the Dossi News Network, where Negro News comes first. I’m your host, and we have some absolutely wild stories to cover today.

Let’s start with a church sermon that recently went viral. A female pastor, who — let’s be honest — looked pretty good, was preaching at a women’s empowerment conference. But instead of a traditional message, she dove into some highly controversial territory. She told the congregation that some of them can’t heal or find the right man because they’re still spiritually and emotionally entangled with men from their past — Rob, Steve, Anthony… even “Shita.” She said some of the women have been bisexual, tried everything, and are now wondering why God hasn’t sent them their husband yet. Her answer? Because those old spirits are still inside them, and they haven’t healed.

She called out women chasing “poverty D” — men who bring nothing to the table but short-lived bedroom fun — saying it’s not real healing, it doesn’t last, and it leaves you empty. “That man only lasts seven minutes,” she said. “If he’s bad, maybe three!” The crowd went wild, but seriously… how does she know that? What kind of sermon is this? Is this the Down Bad Baptist Church? You already know someone left that service, drank some Hennessy, lit a blunt, and got clapped that same night.

Anyway, let’s move on to our next story.

A young woman shared her experience on a recent date that went terribly wrong. She met a guy, and while she was in the bathroom, he ordered food — for himself. When she returned, he told her not to worry, he “already ordered for her.” But the food never came. She asked for a fry; he said no. He ate in front of her, said her food was on the way, and then asked for the check. When she reminded him she hadn’t eaten, he told her, “Trust me, you’ve had enough.” Rude.

This is why she says she just stays home and eats Domino’s now. And honestly? I don’t blame her. Ladies, you go out, get dressed, spend money on hair, nails, makeup — just to be denied fries on a first date? Fellas, if you’re not into bigger women, don’t go out with them just to be mean. And if you don’t want to spend money on thick ladies, send them my way. Budget tricking is my ministry.

Now for the third story — and this one’s a doozy.

A young woman is proudly sharing that she made $1,000 a month by “selling cat.” That’s right, she’s in the sex work game, and she’s bragging about it. What’s more, she did it without a big following online — no major Instagram presence. She just puts herself out there and gets paid. She claims it’s easy money and even gets “free money” sent to her.

Here’s my message to her: Baby girl, that might be a decent income in Uganda or Kenya, but in America? $1,000 a month can’t even cover your Uber rides, let alone rent. You need to stop. Use your light-skinned privilege to elevate your life, not to market your booty cheeks online. Get your life together before the Lord comes back, because when Judgment Day hits and God catches you out here talking about getting your cheeks clapped — it’s not going to be good.

Now… who wins today’s Dusty of the Day Award?

Cue the drumroll…

And the winner is: the light-skinned cheek clapper. Yes, you, sweetheart. You’re out here bragging about making $1,000 a month off your body. That breaks down to about $35 a day. McDonald’s pays better. Some hotel rooms cost $1,000 a night! And if your “cat” was really that good, you’d have repeat business and higher income. You’re beautiful, no doubt, but we have to throw that dust on you today.

And that’s a wrap for today’s show.

We had the over-the-top female pastor preaching about unhealed spirits and “poverty D.” We had a BBW who was left starving on a date. And we had a young woman happily making low-budget OnlyFans money. Y’all are down bad, and the fact that you’re even watching this means you might be down bad too.

Hit that subscribe button, send in your dusty news stories to [email protected], and as always: I love you like a play cousin — but I gotta go.